Etched in time.

India is the land of kings and emperors. The erstwhile kings stayed in lavish palaces, ate lavish food (which eventually led to lavish waist sizes too) and splurged lavishly on the countless Begums they had. Almost every ruler in India built a palace for their beloved queens. Those who were a little lethargic built memorials. But all of them did erect a structure for their Queens to show off to the world how much they loved their Mrs. The love that would transcend down generations of kings and common people alike. The tablet outside these monuments of love would read "Built in the loving memory of her royal highness queen noor something something(followed by a billion adjectives) XYZ by (billion+1 adjectives) King ABC.

Welcome to the 21st century. Zamindari ends. Recession strikes. Forget lavish food. Even a trip to McDonald's drains your wallet. Ghar toh sach mein sapna hai. And once you do acquire a house, would you name it after your mother or your Mrs. or the family surname?

But being an Indian proves to be a boon-atleast when it comes to expressing love. The preamble starts with India is my country. So, technically I own everything that comes within the geographical and political limits of India. Next, since we form a part of the public so we can do whatever we want with the public property.

So all the modern day Romeo-Juliets and Laila-Majnoos think that since these Badshahs are archiac now they wouldn't mind sharing a little space on the tablet placed outside the memorial. So now Mr and Mrs. Emperor have to jostle for space with the creative 'Deepak loves Sweety' etched on the tablet next to their name. So now whoever comes and sees the monument would know that Deepak loves Sweety more compared to how much Shah Jahan loved Mumtaz. After all he made a heart with an arrow piercing right through the centre of it. And the pains it took him to etch a giggly, Mewad ice cream addict Sweety's name on the stone with a stone. It would last forever. And why would Shah Jahan mind, all Indians are brothers and sisters anyway....

And it doesn't stop there. Even the Carter Road promenade, the heritage sites, school desks(first crush you see), local trains, elevator doors are not spared. People etch them behind the doors of public toilets too. But since Sweety would never enter the gents toilet how would she witness Deepak proclaiming his love for her? Similarly Deepak would never enter the ladies compartment of a Local train to see Sweety's love for him.

But atleast etching them on monuments would leave a permanent impression unlike the ones on the beaches which get washed away...

Issues that 'weigh'

So my nine year old cousin beams on the phone "Didi, I am size zero"

Me: Whoa...What?!

She: I lost inches without going on a diet

Me: Didn't you disappear already?

She:No...You must come to Delhi and join my basketball classes too

Me(Seething with jealousy):So you wna be the next Kareena Kapoor, eh?

She: Nah...Kareena Kapoor aint size zero anymore

Me:And you are what size minus 2?

She: Sister, try being size zero...that way you can too be Kareena Kapoor

Me:No I dun wna be in Kurbaan

Me: I lost 2 kgs..So tell me I've thinned down even if you think I haven't

AM:Yeah really?..OK I will

Me:But what about our target?

AM: Yea everyone around us seems to have thinned down. Only the two of us have been left out.

Me: Yea..even SI and AS lost so much weight

AM:I'm gna hit the gym from tomorrow

Me:Alright...I'm gna go on a diet and go up and down the stairs

Next day...

Me:AM come fast...The unthinkable happened

AM:No,no i'm gna walk and come..I wna lose weight..

Me:No no..come fast...SS is saying she broke up!

AM:OK!

(In the meanwhile SS and KS get back together)

Me: Uhmm..They're back together

AM(typing to SS on facebook):Bitch...(and SS goes offline)

Me:So we're gna have Frooti instead of Coke and popcorn instead of chips OK?

AM: Yea and henceforth we're gna have fruit

Then we decide to meet SI

AM to SI: OMG!..You've lost so much weight

SI(with pride):Yay!..11kgs!

Me(thinking):Whoa!..why?..mera number kab aayega?

SI:Yeah a year in hostel made me lose 11kgs..Guess what I have another year to go?

Me(wondering):When will I go to a hostel?

So then we decided to walk about 4 kms to McDonalds...

AM and me: We'll have a small coke each and share the fries

So then after a zillion pictures we decide to head back home...

Mom:Your Bournvita has been in the refrigerator since morning..Have it NOW!

Me: But Mom I'm not hungry

Mom gives me that look of hers

Me:Ok Mom

Mom(in a span of an hour):Dinner is ready

Me:I'm not hungry

Mom:Then you should've told me..I would have not got the chapatis made.Now you must eat dinner!

Me(to myself):Gayi meri dieting bhaad mein...

Dear Diary,

Stupid 10th std boards..

They make you hog and hog some more...

And before you realise,

Your waist size is 34 (ok that's an exaggeration...just cz more rhymes with 34 :|)

Then came typhoid, a deadly disease it seemed to others

But typhoid and weight were like warring brothers...

But then came the pizza,the pasta and the chocolate cake

Oh metabolism will you ever improve for heaven's sake?!

I am wondering whether a trek to the Himalayas would be beneficial?...

Yours truly.

Shaadi and blues..

As mentioned earlier, I stay in a city where there are diverse cultures. Naturally, their customs and traditions vary too and what varies the most is their time of getting married. While in some communities marriages take place early in the morning, there are some others where marriages take place in the thick of the night. Naturally, in both cases people are hardly awake.

Welcome to India. The land of big,fat and NOISY weddings.

It is an interesting contrast as to how the perspective of people regarding wedding varies when they are and not a part of the wedding. The very same people who express dissent and claim that elaborate weddings lead to noise pollution are happy being a part of and adding to the noise pollution when its a relative, friend or a friend's friend getting married. This means free and unlimited food,booze, the juiciest gossip and even eye candy.

So while on one hand the groom is hoisted atop a garish looking horse (poor horse would be thinking its his day to get a bride but all he gets is a few morsels of horse feed) on the other hand there's the beautician trying to empty every bottle of concealer and every other article of make up she can find on the bride. And then comes the turn of the elders in the family who load her with infinite pieces of jewellery. I am pretty sure that by the end of this 'loading' ritual the bride is sure to weigh atleast 20 kilos more than her actual weight and I think that's a fair estimation.

And while the groom is on his way to meet his Mrs. he is accompanied by the star performers-The Brass Band wallahs. They are the walking talking carousels who haven't changed the songs they play over a hundred thousand years. Sample this:

I have come to a conclusion that the 'Nagin' tune is their all time favourite tune. Though I haven't been able to figure out why. But it sure brings out the hidden serpentine tendencies in the baraatis. You can see them sway in a snake like fashion in the middle of the road. The last I heard, the honourable snake god had sent a special team of detectives to find out whether the 'ichhadhari nags' that escaped from the snake kingdom had actually turned into these humans. :|

Next we come to 'yeh desh hai veer jawanon ka albelo ka mastanon ka'. One would expect this song to be played on days like the Independence day and the republic day but its most often heard on occassions of shaadi. All baraats are incomplete without this song. It is the song of great significance since it is this song which loosens the pockets of elders and adds weight to the pockets of the 'jawans'. This is the nazar-utarne wala song as I like to look at it.

This is generally followed by some latest Bollywood numbers which gives ample opportunities for the men to show off the pelvic thrusts and the women to sway like the hottest item girls and believe they are the next screen scorchers.

And as the baraat nears the venue, the 'Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai' song emanates out of the hoarse brass bands. The song concludes with 'aisa lagta hai jaise sansaar ki shaadi hai'. Arre bhaisahab, sansaar ko bhi aisa hi lagta hai. That's because they too don't get to sleep.

But in some ways they are better off than the poor couple who is about to get wed. Atleast they are not the ones who have to pose with random strangers, touch the feet of random strangers and become endorsers of Moov and the likes or see random strangers eating away to glory and commenting as to how wonderful the spread is.

However coming back to the start I'd rather have a Himesh song play on the radio than hear the nagin tune for the zillionth time in my life.

As for me I'll probably have the brass band belting out Bryan Adams'....

In the memory of cartoon network

When I was a little girl there were constant wars over who would control the television set. Our house was divided into three fronts with my grandpa and dad rooting for the news/sports channel, my grandmother and mom wanted the cookery show or some random serial. I was the lone soldier of the third front but I had weapons which were lethal. If constant pleadings or a puppy face didnt work, a teardop was enough to do the trick(Ha!). So the warrior had control over a channel nobody else in the house wanted to watch- Cartoon Network.

I think we got cable television only when i turned about five or six. Before that it used to be Ramayana, Mahabharata and Krishna and other random mythological shows on Doordarshan and infotainment shows like Surabhi (I may have sent a dozen postcards for their contest questions in that era when SMSes were unheard of) and I would sulk every week as to how they would never pick my postcard in the winning entry which would win a train ride to some hill station in North India. 6 p.m every evening was reserved for Disney Hour. You dare change the channel when Disney Hour was on!

I guess we got a colour television and cable network only in 1996 or 97. It was like seeing a brand new world.It had something for everyone. It had a news show called "Aaj tak" which ended with the presenter saying "yeh thi khabrein aaj tak, intezar kariye kal tak". (Who would have imagined that it would later morph into a 24 hour nonsensical news channel). And it had Khana Khazana for the ladies which always had a catchline that said "Namak swadanusar". And then there was Close up Antakshari in which the only constant feature was Anu kapoor.

However, what caught my fancy was a channel that showed cartoons all day! I felt William Hanna and Joseph Barbera were godsent people. Cartoon Network had the most amazing cartoons anyone could have ever asked for. While on one hand there were the Flintstones (Fred Flinstone) and their modern stone age family on the other hand it was the Jetsons and their family of the future. Captain planet was is and will always remain my favourite character. There was a time I pretended being a planeteer and wore 5 rings symbolising the same.Yogi bear,Swat Kats,The Addams Family, Josie and the Pussycats and the adventures of Penelope Pitstop or the geek boy Dexter were essential for my happy existence. I totally adored Powerpuff girls(still do) and Scooby's all star laff a lympics and I wish they showed 'em still. But with the initial cartoon network there was one major disappointment. At night all the cartoons would get warped in a dynamite sorta thing and then some lame english movie channel called TNT would come on air. That would also serve as my deadline for my bedtime ( 9 p.m sheesh!)

I do not recall when but it was probably somewhere close to the late nineties that Cartoon Network became a 24 hr channel. And with that came new cartoons like Johnny Quest and Pokemon and I am Weasel and The Roadrunner show. All of which formed my favourites. As much as I liked them, I hated Johnny Bravo and Courage the Cowardly Dog.

I always thought things get better with age. Somehow I don't feel the same for my once upon a time beloved channel anymore. With the checkerboard style of cartoon network giving way to a more 'sleek' looking CN I feel the quality of cartoons deteriorated to a great extent. The awesomest cartoons got replaced by lame ones like Chhota Bheem and Gali gali sim sim and Chowder among others.

I WANT THE OLD CARTOON NETWORK BACK!!

Angel

As a kid I always wondered whether I would have a really special friend ever. The true BEST FRIEND. Because being the only child I somehow felt the need of having a special person in whom I could confide anything and everything under the sun and who would listen to me and stand by me no matter what. God gave me a handful of such people and this blog is dedicated to one of them because it is her birthday today. And I still can't think of a gift so please guys leave behind suggestions.

Adrika Mahajan and I met in std. XI in R.N. Podar school. And we sat on bench two in the lecture theatre alongwith Shruti Iyer. The bench was infamous for its constant shaking because of Suleman's incessant laughter when DJ cracked the lamest of his PJs. And I think that it was dogs that got us talking and still form a major part of our conversation even though a lot of other things have taken dominance too. :P And then there were songs such as kabul fiza and how to save a life followed by advertisements like Ein-stein and washing powder nirma and there were times when we were addicted to Orkut and yahoo messenger (umm now its Facebook and g-talk).And the crush on Rahul Kumar and Mustard Kumar. But seriously writing testimonials 3 years ago was much easier than writing this.

A random comment by Suleman that our picnic pictures have come out to be angelic led us to believe that each and every picture of us has to be ANGELIC and we've stuck to that and if ever that rule is defied we take a little help of the marvels of technology.(Read:computer effects)

So Gingerika who supposedly has the sense of humour of a guy(Read: adrika to autowallah-chadayega kya!) though i beg to disagree and I have contributed immensely to the revenues of Vodafone and Reliance. Our conversations are only affected when either of our mom's interfere. And mind you these chats can be really random. There was a time when I laughed for about 15 minutes non-stop when we discussed a movie called 'With Love Tumhara' and by the way 'Shadow' is still pending and so are the awesomest days such as Street food and Sophisticated food day and the Hawaiian party!

Its kind of uncanny but we've started thinking pretty much the same way these days almost like mind reading. And whats stranger is that we get the khatana category people who ask us the same question! You know I could totally picture us in the movie Bride Wars. Like seriously!

And yeah she is also the proud sister of the world's sweetest doggy-Affy

And yeah I love ya and I miss ya sooooooooooo much!

ps-now we're anklet buddies and peep-toe buddies

pps-DGCA sucks!

White

As a little girl I loved reading fairytales like most other girls do. I had a huge doll collection too that included Barbie and Sindy dolls. The skimpily clad dolls with perfect stats with plastic smiles (pun intended) were one of my most prized possessions. I still do not figure out why they catch every girl's fancy. Probably these dolls are just thrust upon us as little kids and we're made to believe that we being girls have to play with Barbies because GI-Joes is meant for guys.

Little do we realise that these perfect figures have such a wrong impression on the

minds of little girls on whom the concept of "beauty" is bombarded at such a young age. I've seen kids as young as 8 and 9 years fussing about the way they look and about the fact that their "diet" will go for a toss if they indulge in a piece of chocolate cake. The trend disturbs me.

Coming to fairytales, I feel stories such as Snow White and other princesses emphasise way too much on the aspect of beauty. Infact, most of the fairytales will describe the protagonist as a young, FAIR girl. They are nothing short of print versions of the Fair and Lovely advertisements since Prince Charming will always end up choosing the fair maiden.

The notion that fair is beautiful has been embedded in our psyche and the TV adverts reinforce the idea. Ads that show that the only prerequisite to get your dream job(or man) is having fair skin. Especially in majority North Indian families where the elders of the house will tell you go for the girl who has a lighter complexion even though the 'darker' girl may be twice as better as the former.

We live in a country where an ordinary looking fair skinned foreigner is considered far superior than the most beautiful Indian people. It is time that stereotypes and mentalities change.

After all beauty is meant to be skin deep!

Her royal highness

Till today no force on earth has been so compelling that it wakes me up from my sleep in one attempt. My mom has tried all tricks in the book over the years to budge me from my sleep ranging from loud music (that makes me feel even more sleepy by the way) to sprinkling water on my face but in vain. But now there is a force who has been successful in jolting me up from my deepest sleep in one go. It is none other than my MAID and this article is dedicated to her.

She is the HRH I am talking about. The moment her fingertips touch the doorbell I am awake. umm is partly because of the consequences which I may have to face later such as ruining the afternoon siesta among other things.

My maid is a robust middle aged woman who goes by the name Lakshmi. I do not understand why every maid that I've had in Bombay has to be called Lakshmi and why all of them belong to some obscure village in Andhra Pradesh. But all Lakshmis have contrasting personalities. Lakshmi 1 was a chirpy 20 something female who would eventually get married giving way to Lakshmi 2 who had a morose expression and a peculiar trait of understanding Hindi only when it came to discussing her allowance. A new house comes with a new maid and so the new Lakshmi is a shrill high-pitched female who is bursting with an extra dose of enthusiasm when it comes to striking a conversation with me and an equally low degree of enthusiasm when it comes to dusting the house.

The moment she enters the house she rattles off her favourite ice-breaker "Babyji, nas(h)ta kiya". I have lost count of the number of times I've heard this sentence. Sometimes I wonder if I develop amnesia I may forget everything else but most definitely remember these words. She has failed to understand that no matter how many times she asks me this question, she will end up getting the same response. A negative one. She has failed to understand that her tactics that have an effect on my mother will never have an effect on me. Read: Giving her something to eat or giving her tea.

So on weekends when I do not have to wake up to open the door for her, she takes her revenge in a different way. She will open up all the blinds to let all the sunshine of the world enter my room and switch off the fan and deliberately not switch it on again. The response when I wake up "Babyji main toh bhool gayee" followed by that wicked grin of hers which makes me punch her right on her nose.

The other day she suddenly came up with the theory that I pretend not understanding Telugu but actually I do because I happened to put a Telugu channel on TV while channel surfing. And then there are days when she "accidently" hits my leg with the broom.

So all in all it is a hate-hate relationship. And I guess that's enough maid bashing for the day. :|

The eyes have it

Yeah yeah..the title is lifted from the ruskin bond story that we had in std XI cbse english reader. Its been 11 long years since they first entered my life. It had to happen at some point of time or the other. I resisted their trying to become a part of my existence but at last they did become a part of my life.
It all started when I went for a drive with my Dad and he happened to ask me what was written behind the car that was parked nearby. I complained of bad light and the fact that i had just spotted a school teacher going on a scooter with her husband and kid but in my heart of hearts I knew the time had come.
'Myopia it is', the blessed opthalmologist announced.-0.75 in the left eye and -1.00 in the right eye.He broke the shattering news with such mildness that I didn't realise the gravity of it until I reached home. My grandparents would not get convinced that it was a hereditary thing. They forced me to try carrot juice and pomegranate juice and a hell lot of other things.'Don't sit like this and read'.
Then came up the visit to the optician's shop. I was fascinated by the amazing variety of frames that he had.Now I wouldn't even have to use sunglasses while playing teacher-teacher I thought.I wanted the pink frame( i can't believe that still) but yes i wanted the barbie pink frame but had to settle for a brown plastic one because kids my age ended up breaking their spectacles every 3-4 weeks and I did not defy that law.
My peers in school were shell shocked and I felt wearing specs was a big handicap. So, when I would enter the school bus I would quietly remove my glasses and put them in my bag and while returning back home put them on before anyone could see it. That way both my mom and I were happy. Little did I know that my Mom was in the mood for some investigation. On the 'occasion' of Parent -Teacher meeting (it was nothing short of a festival cz on that day we got a holiday and our parents were supposed to go to school) my mother happened to ask my class teacher about the fact whether I wore my glasses in school or not. My teacher made sure that the next day I wear my spectacles for the whole day.From that day onward they are stuck to the bridge of my nose.
Time passed, I gained height and my eyesight worsened.I couldn't swim with or without glasses.And even for the simple things i needed my specs. But then i came to terms with it.I read a chapter in the 10th std icse reader and could relate to it so well. I looked around and saw millions of people like me.
Now spectacles are considered 'cool'. Not that I care about that too much. I know I have to live with it. I have accepted them as a part of my life. Only thing, now I use lenses instead of glasses.
I have also learnt to realise the importance of everything in our life. Surely, we must count our blessings!

ps-This note was inspired by an incident involving the breakage of my spectacles and me not having a spare pair and no contact lenses with me.

Local trains

Disclaimer: Frustration is the driving factor of this note.

They say local trains are the lifeline of Bombay( I like to call it Bombay and not Mumbai).I beg to differ. Local trains are like the deposits of cholestrol in the arteries of Bombay or probably like second-hand pacemakers. They seem so ancient that it appears the paan stained and ridiculously filthy coaches will fall apart any moment or rather the roof would fall on your head and yes there have been instances where it was impossible to sit inside the train because water was seeping down the roof and some lame person had decided to have a hearty lunch on the berth and very conviently decided not to clean it.
The local trains of Bombay are like dog vans in the peak hours.I still like to believe that the latter is much more comfortable. At certain major stations like Dadar etc, one gets pushed in with the crowd and gets pushed out of the train with the crowd.Wearing sandals is a big NO because by the end of the journey one's toes are sure to get mutilated. And do not expect a sorry because even the slightest groan could send cause tempers to flare up and subject you to the choicest of abuses, half of which you wouldnt even understand. The best option is to wear your earphones and try thinking of the pleasant things in life. Sadly, just as you are about to do that you see millions of people defecating in the open.You most definitely cannot ignore the stench emanating from the stretch between Bandra and Mahim.
You can try looking around but all that you see is the extremely obscence graffiti on the walls and the seats of the coaches. There are plenty of advertisements too saying "Pan card dhamaka offer" and some other random advertisements for Piles clinics, black magic and fashion designing institutes.
Local trains are probably India's biggest market on the move. You can buy anything ranging from handkerchiefs, cosmetics,linen, jewellery, stationery and books in a local train. And your bargaining skills are put to great test.
The local trains of Bombay are the biggest levellers. You cannot help but sit next to a fisherwoman who is still reeking of fish or sit four on a seat meant for three.Or have kids almost pouncing on you because they have come to Bombay for the first time and they still like to believe that it is the city of dreams.
Sadly reality hits one real hard.

Starters...

So well this is my first attempt at writing something about myself..I tried keeping diaries and journals once but never really wrote in them honestly or regularly..Actually to be honest I truly madly deeply love stationery and Savage garden too..uhmm yeah but I'll come to the music part later. And I have feel spiral bound notebooks hypnotise me and ink pens are like super powerful magnets. Coming to the point, the justification I gave for buying endless amount of stationery was that I will maintain a journal but at the end of it all of them got used up in solving physics and mathematics numericals and eventually went to the raddiwala person...sigh!

We moved to Bombay about seven years back. There was such a lot of transition. I mean you come from this really laid back place and you're suddenly thrown in the hustle bustle of a big city but I guess I adapted pretty well and I adore the city. The city grows on you. The city makes you feel you're special or rather the people who accept you with open arms and open minds. So pretty soon I was travelling around the city on my own in public transport and I loved it! I loved my new found independence that the city gave me.I've been witness to some of the worst the city has been through. The bombings and the terror attacks to name a few. But the resilience of the city and the people amazes me! And it does have an effect on you making you stronger and helping you stand up in life for what you want.

The city is a melting pot of cultures. I feel blessed to have some of the bestest friends who I know will stand by me no matter what. And this is one more reason why I love Bombay!

I am a big foodie with a major sweet tooth. You can feed me endless amounts of everything besides the usual ghar ka khana and can be assured of being my favourite person for that time.

But here, I crave for jalebis. I love jalebis and momos by the way.

And yeah I have watched a 2 whole season of Grey's anatomy back to back without blinking my eyes. I totally adore that show.

Coming to Music, I think A.R Rahman is a musical genius...I mean his compositions are so brilliant, I could spend an entire day sitting on the window sill with a cup of hot coffee and a book when it is raining outside with his music playing in the background.

And now I dont know what else to write about me. If you are reading this, most probably you would know me..if not, you'll probably figure out in my future posts. And please leave behind comments to motivate me to keep writing...

Anyway more later..Bye for now! Cheers!