Bollywood song dedication to the happenings of 2010

So 2010 has been quite an eventful year. Both in terms of socio-economic-political development and Bollywood chartbusters. We've been grooving to songs about Zandu Balms, a certain Sheila's jawani and Dant Manjans et al. And you thought the Jungle book theme song was "hawwji" worthy. Think again.

Here goes the list of what I thought about the happenings that made an impact in 2010- Bollywood song dedication style!

1. Governments of the world to Wikileaks: Munni Badnaam hui Darling tere liye. (Dabangg) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpnohT_a-2I>

2. A. Raja : Zor ka jhatka...zoron se laga (Action Replayy) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0EReETeKyc>

3. Suresh Kalmadi: Aapka kya hoga (Housefull) < http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlVm0lLReSs >

4. An appeal to Dolly Bindra: Volume kam kar (Housefull) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq8F0gSLfRU>

5. The Kingfisher calendar girls to Vijay Mallya : Sheila Ki Jawani (Tees Maar Khan) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcKtDXUb6Cg >

6. Vir Sanghvi and Barkha Dutt with reference to the Radia Tapes: Gal Mitthi Mitthi bol (Aisha) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2-lmHLtL3k >

7. Malaria and Dengue mosquitoes to the junta: Pee Loon (Once upon a time in Mumbai)

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olOK2OYI7Fo>

8. The various "godmen" caught in sex scams: Dil toh baccha hai ji (Ishqiya)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jp4wpMtAUE >

9. The Congress, NCP, Trinamool Congress, DMK: Adhoore ( Break ke Baad)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENT1yKk_cok >

10. Indians to Sachin Tendulkar : Sajda (My Name is Khan)

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ivd3emwXuU >

Why Entrance Exams suck?

I've given a few entrance exams over the past few days owing to the fear psychosis stemming from a flurry of media reports about my college which prompted me to take some action even though it may involve changing courses, academically. Thus, the ordeal began. It was almost as if I was living in life in the bygone era of 2007-2008 yet again. Yes, almost because not only academia wise, the turn of events in the world were also more or less the same like unrest over fuel and food crisis and the Congress government still being in power. It's almost like being frozen in time.

Bah, so coming back I've realised that Entrance Exams are almost equivalent to the worst sort of trauma you can inflict on a person and get away with it. Here's why-

• Because we don't have a centralised system of examinations every University will hold a separate entrance exam and charge you a different amount as you proceed to fill up your form. This may range anywhere between a grand and two. So after about ten random forms you've filled up, you wonder whether getting those two dress at Mango would've been a better way of blowing all that money up. I have a strong feeling that these institutes actually survive on the provisional admission fee that scores of aspirants across this overpopulated country pay.

• Because inspite of knowing that there are actually only about a 100 seats in the "premier" institution (the rest of course belong to the reserved class), millions of people will vie to be one of those tagged people. It's almost like a Playwin lottery. You get there, you've hit the jackpot.

• Because these institutes will make sure that your centre is in the most inconvenient place of all. They're sadists because they know that it don't matter whether hell or high waters, you will reach your centre, in all probability a dilapidated school building in the middle of nowhere at sharp 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning. So much for a shot at the Amazing Race, huh.

• Now once you've manoeuvered your way through the narrow bylanes in places you never knew existed asking the irritable locals for directions and a dozen "thank you's", you reach your centre which has swarms of people and there's this always one corner which seems like a very magnified version of a thousand ants attracted to a lump of sugar. No it's no Bollywood movie shoot. It's that good old blackboard which finally gets it's moment of glory and attention that it has longed for. That's where they scribble where you're supposed to sit for the exam.

• By the sides of the already stampede prone lane, you see parents and cars and relatives with bags, books and 20 year olds in tow. These 20-25 year olds are their "aankhon ke taare" fed on curd and jaggery when they're about to set foot onto the battleground. It's almost like a bidaai ceremony with anxious parents waiting to send their 'kids' off inside the exam hall. And they will never hear from them again atleast for the next two hours because all communication devices are prohibited and the candidature is likely to be cancelled if a candidate is found using one.

• Then as you proceed climbing the never ending flight of stairs you come across those nerds in the hallway whose sole purpose is to scare the daylights out of you and make your heart pound faster than it would have had you seen Patrick Dempsey. It's actually a war strategy when they ask you "arrey yaar yeh kiya?" and when you reply in the negative, pat comes the rebuke "pagal hai kya, yeh toh sabse important hai. Past 10 years paper mein har saal poocha hai". All you then say is "Oh Shit." Then after successfully pinning down this victim they scour and proceed to find another prey with a book in hand and a smile on the face. A lethal assassin.

• By now, you're already feeling low and you realise your worst nightmare has come true when you enter the designated classroom. For a moment you wonder whether that water you gulped down nervously from the bottle was in fact a growth potion or whether you've been shipwrecked onto the island of Lilliput because the benches are so small that your arse won't fit. And the space between two columns of tables is so little that it would induce further anorexia in a size zero woman.

• Then there's this morose looking inviligator who is pissed because the only Sunday he gets has been taken away from him. He has the bundle of question papers in his hand. The booklets are sealed not to be opened unless asked. The formulae, the rules everything is whirling up a big tornado in your head leaving everything muddled up by the time the paper is handed out to you.

• Then the test booklet is handed out to you and you begin marking answers on the OMR sheet with the paranoia of shading the wrong circle always affecting your brain. Then when the two hours pass by magically and you realise you've survived the battle, you notice that the person sitting ahead you has shaded more circles than you. Your heart skips a beat. There's a 50-50 chance between getting a +4 and -1. You decide to colour a few circles randomly. The inviligator then snatches the paper away from you.

• You dread to switch on your phone back because once you do there will be incessant calls and messages asking "How'd it go." And you don't know what to say because let's accept it there's a fine line between humility and stupidity and you don't know what perception your reply will create for you in the mind of the caller/texter.

• Then begins the wait for the results. This day's bad and the days preceding the dreaded date are worse because the course of your corporate life depends on those shaded circles. You wait nervously. Then when the actual day of the moment of truth arrives and you've forgotten all about the results, you get a message "The results are out". Your heart skips another beat.

Don't blame heart problems in Indian youth on junk food and bad lifestyle. Blame in on these entrance exams. Really.

Also, it's funny how two hours can decide the course of life of a person. Shahrukh's "sattar minute" from Chak De India anyone?

Antihistamines

As you would have guessed and I'm assuming that since you are reading this you would be a person of ordinary intelligence and common sense (SCROLL DOWN FOR A TEST ON ORDINARY COMMON SENSE, if you're unsure about yours) this post is to do with an allergy that struck me precisely 20 days back and took a fortnight to get better.

So, it all began with a mere redness and rash on the ears and quickly progressed onto my face and within 2 days my face bloated up almost like a puffer fish and diminished only after a strong cocktail of medicines taken over a period of two and a half weeks. My friend who's studying Pharma tells me that I've taken antihistamines ranging across the entire spectrum from Fexofenadine, Levocetrizine to Cetrizine and Hydroxyzine. And after 4 tablets of potent antihistamines ingested over a period of 24 hours for one and a half fortnights I was in this perpetual state of stupor. I almost missed my best friend's birthday. She had to come over to my place to celebrate her turning 20. And I'm told I looked like an overfed Chink.

I'm still not certain as to what caused this extreme trigger response in my mast cells. It could be paint, methi or just some microscopic allergen in the air. The only positive that came out of this was that my Mom agreed to me not having methi in the future ever again. :D

Three doctors were consulted. Out of them one is worthy enough to find a place in my blog. She's the Allergy Specialist in a leading hospital in Mumbai. I think she needed therapy herself. A flabby, early 60 something woman with islets of flab hanging down from her designer blouse, she very cheerfully assigned me blood tests for autoimmune diseases and Alzheimer's disease and prescribed drugs for Asthma and other ailments I do not have. And as far as the blood reports were concerned I could've consulted her only after another 15-20 days is what I was told in a "Himesh Reshamiya turns Robot" kind of a voice. :\

Now, what I was worried about was whether I would get addicted to Antihistamines. I mean people get hooked onto Crack, Weed, LSD but Antihistamines? That would not be acceptable. I didn't. Thankfully. The allergy didn't do me any good. It lasted as long as Made In China goods last. It didn't even serve as time for self introspection because I was too preoccupied by some entrance exams. I ended up going to the centres looking like what JLo looked like in Monster-In-Law post her character's nut allergy.

I wish Dr. Mark Sloan was for real.

The Common Sense Test:

Answer this simple question to find out if you are a person of ordinary common sense:

Do you find Mahendra Singh Dhoni's Maxx Mobile ad annoying?

• Yes
• No

If you answered Yes, you need to read those boring books on self confidence.

If you answered No, you need therapy. My sympathies.

By the way. Thank you Daniel Bovet. Sincerely.