How I Met Your Mother- The True Story

The Year 2012.

Kids, remember how seven years ago I had started telling you the story of How I Met Your Mother. Remember, how I started narrating the story with such enthusiasm. Remember how I told you about the escapades of my awesome group. Well, so the thing is I had no idea that there was a hidden camera in our living room and the footage was being siphoned away by CBS and being telecast on international television! So much for all the privacy brouhaha they create!

So anyway, this one day your Uncle Barney Stinson who happens to be 'awesome' happened to be on a business trip to India and realised that 15 year olds there have begun speaking like him. He happened to stop by an ice cream shop at Marine Drive and saw these young adults exclaiming how 'Legend-wait-for-it-and I hope you are not lactose intolerant-dary' the chilli ice cream was. Then he saw those shopowner bros freeze frame hi5-ing each other. And since we all know how AWESOME he is at sleuthing, he figured out the cause for rise of this phenomenon. There apparently exists this website called Piratebay which has all the latest torrents and it has apparently displeased those phoren DVD vendors outside all local train stations. Infact, highly places sources in our government have confirmed on the condition of anonymity that they are the ones who had infact petitioned for the SOPA/PIPA Act. Now Barney, being the shrewd businessman that he is struck a deal with the channel and well this is how I pay for your school since my career as an architect is really going nowhere.

In the meanwhile, your Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall started getting jealous of our success. Your Uncle Marshall is as unsure as a dead duck as to whether he wants to be a corporate lawyer or an environment crusader. I heard from this law student in Mumbai, that she can relate to Marshall very well. It's almost as if it's the story of her life. Um, strictly the professional part, of course. So I decided to convolute the story a bit and present to the world as to how miserably you will fail as both a corp lawyer and an environment crusader and how eventually, you will have to live off your wife's salary which she makes as a kindergarten teacher. But as long as you have friends who will reserve a booth for you at your favourite watering hole and pay for your beers and stand by you no matter what, it's cool!

Then comes Aunt Robin. Now Aunt Robin is only a pseudo-friend you see. You already know who your mother is. Yes, the woman who screams at you every morning for you not cleaning your room, having your cereal et al. They brought her all the way from Canada just to bring a pretty face to the show, so that once those 15 year olds turn into 18 year and 22 year olds, they still continue to watch the show. And then they forced me to say things such as I proposed to her and this and that, which I vehemently deny but you see for TRPs you have to go the distance. And then when they saw that the TRPs were declining, they introduced a shrink of Indian origin. These Indians I tell you, all you need to do to keep them happy is flatter them via these home videos with subtitles. The CIA is doing their job alright.

And to think of it, they are a bunch of buffoons. I have told them repeatedly as to How I Met Your Mother. They already know about the yellow umbrella and how she was there in my class which was not mine. Are they waiting for a face? Like they say in Mumbai, so I've heard, itna paisa mein itnaich milenga!

psst: I also hear there's some woman called Ekta Kapoor who wants to remake the show and call it Kkkkaahaani Mummy Kii.

The Anatomy of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham

I'm a commercial Hindi cinema junkie. I like to specify commercial because for me no Hindi movie is complete without atleast half a dozen songs and since studios such as Yashraj Films, Nadiadwala Grandson Entertainment and Dharma Productions, to name a few, never disappoint, I ensure that my Ladakh Trip Fund savings get depleted slightly every month.

This weekend, however, has been about repeat telecasts of Hindi cinema's gems over the past two decades. My Saturday was spent in watching the wedding video a.k.a Hum Aapke Hain Koun...! and Sunday was productively utilised in watching a rotund kid transform into the chiseled Hrithik Roshan interspersed with a zillion advertisements that turns a 3 hour movie into one that spans over 5 hours. All hail commercialism.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham (K3G because it sounds 'kewl') is a movie about loving your parents which the Shravan Kumar of the modern India, Karan Johar, emphasises in the title card. The ensemble cast of the movie consists stalwarts of Hindi cinema namely Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor. A super hit formula.

The movie's premise is quite simple. There's a wealthy North Indian Family, whose patriarch is named Yashvardhan Raichand, very apt considering how wealthy they are, who lives with his wife and two sons and mother and mother-in-law and a battery of servants in a haveli which mysteriously resembles a castle somewhere in Great Britain. But they are this traditional Indian family wherein it is mandatory for everybody to go to boarding school and they get to come back on Diwali day in a private chopper.

Then Shahrukh Khan who is obviously called Rahul is scheduled to marry Rani Mukherjee's character but he isn't interested in a sophisticated girl and chooses Kajol's character who is high on hormones, over her. She also has a knack for calling things by unconvential names, for example, a flower pot is a 'gamla' which our Rahul finds immensely charming. He confesses his love for her in a dream sequence where he's wearing a transparent shirt and crooning to Sonu Nigam's voice at an exotic beach location. But Sr. B who is the patriarch, who otherwise is a man of high ideals, is completely opposed to the idea of having a girl from Chandni Chowk as his bahu, so in a fit of rage he tells Rahul that the latter is an adopted son and that he should leave the mansion. The women of the house including the two grannies and the mother, Sr. Mrs. B have little say in this.

A few years later, the quintessential 'behenji' schoolgirl who happened to be Kajol's characters sister has transformed into this college hottie, now portrayed by Kareena Kapoor who is prefers people calling her 'Poo'. And the podgy brother of Rahul , earlier known as Laddoo, has grown an extra finger and turned into Hrithik Roshan. Poo and Laddoo obviously fall in love and dance in synthetic leather costumes and Rahul who is unaware of Laddoo's real identity (for obvious reasons) let's him stay in his house at the behest of his patriotic wife. Hindustani hi hindustani ki madad karega naa. Then this hindustani, teaches Rahul's son the Indian National Anthem to be performed at the school annual day and then reveals his true identity to everyone.

A few song and dance sequences, Karva chouth festival and modern day renditions of 'bhajans' and some umpteen songs later, the senior grandmother expresses her desire to see all the male members of the family together before she dies. Thus, they return back to India and a couple of emotional speeches later, the family unites again. And yes, Laddoo and Poo do get married.

Credits roll.