Thursday, March 10, 2011

An Ode to Angry Birds


It was in the Mag section of a newspaper that I came across this App called Angry Birds. An App that was supposed to be a rage with the owners of iPhones and iPod touch. Since, I'm technologically inferior I tend to rely a lot on these reviews while deciding what app or games to download in general. And I happened to browse through the App store and found the trial version of the app and installed it like I'd done with many others. Little did I know that this game would turn into an addiction and I would end up playing it for hours at an end so much so that the battery would drain out.

The basic premise of Angry Birds is very simple. There's a bunch of birds armed with special powers who have to knock down green pigs who've placed themselves very strategically. So you have to load the birds onto a catapult and stretch it enough so that they knock the pigs down. The birds go wheeeeee and knock down the grunting pigs who mock at you if you're unable to complete the level. Thereafter, you replay the game with even more vengeance only to realise that that one pig which is still alive is smirking and grunting and mocking you. In a span of 2 weeks I was able to complete all the levels in the trial version. I then happened to chance upon Ducks vs Hunters on Facebook which was as bad a copy of Angry Birds as Karishma ka Karishma is of Small Wonder. I eventually succumbed to the addiction and went ahead and bought the full version of the App from the App Store for $0.99. This also happened to be my first purchase ever from the App store.

As the levels progress and there are over 60 levels, the level of difficulty gets greater and bigger and more number of pigs begin to appear with helmets. They are now ensconced in concrete, wood and glass walls which require a minimum of three bird hits to topple them down. The choice or order of birds unfortunately doesn't rest on you and you wish at times that the game would function on motion sensors and then gravity would do it's job.

These are the stars of the game:

Black Bird: This bird is explosive..literally! Falls on the structures and blasts them like a thousand sticks of dynamite.

Yellow Bird: Crashes right through the structures. Extremely powerful and very useful for pig destruction.

Red Bird: The small one does little harm but the big one is one huge cannon ball..crushes the pigs like those obese aunties in the local trains who crush you while jostling for place.

Blue Bird: This bird may be tiny but it splits into three birds which may not be very destructive but nevertheless add to the interest value.

White Bird: This bird drops an egg which is supposed to be explosive but does as little damage to a pig as bird poop would do if it were to fall on someone's head.

Green Bird: The green bird is the worst of all. It acts like a boomerang but loses it's rebound tendencies as soon as it touches anything including a balloon. To be able to use this bird well, you need to have paid attention to your teacher in your physics and trigonometry classes.

You are also rated on your performance with one, two or three stars depending on how well you've performed. As for me, I'm still stuck on level 3-16...any ideas?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Why CID is such an awesome show


If there is one thing that's constant on Sony Entertainment Television it's got to be CID. The show that's been going on for over a decade and shows no signs of going off air anytime soon. I sincerely hope that it doesn't. StarWorld quotes Michael Weston (Burn Notice) as the James Bond of Television but I think ACP Pradyuman and his team of super sleuths rule the roost.

Here's why I think the characters deserve a pat on the back:

ACP Pradyuman: Where else would you find an officer who is so committed and dedicated to his work that inspite of solving every case he lays his hands on, he doesn't get a promotion in 13 years and he still wants to continue with his job. He also believes in imparting education through the show. Ever noticed him demonstrating the Right Hand Rule? If not, then observe carefully the next time you watch the show! And don't miss him reiterating "Oh my gaaaawwd Yahan toh laash hai" , "Daya Darwaza tod do" and "Ab toh tumhe ya toh umarkaid ya phansi milegi"!

Abhijeet: Senior inspector Abhijeet is another promotion deprived officer on the show but he seems to believe in the theory of do your best and leave the rest. So he doesn't care about his promotion either. This could also be attributed to the fact that he was once hit by a rod which led to recurring bouts of amnesia. Unfortunately, what he doesn't forget is the fact that he has to hit on the not so good looking Forensics doctor with Maggi like hair who doesn't give a damn in every episode that goes on air.

Daya: Daya is one lucky guy. He joined the team as a sub inspector and went on to become a Senior Inspector. Seems like breaking doors and slapping criminals thereby leading to them confessing to their crimes does go a long way in getting promotions in the CID office. Also, he seems to be Abhijeet's chaddi buddy. It's almost like watching Chacha Choudhary and Saboo.

Sudhakar and Fredricks: Unfortunately, I could never figure out their designations. They seemed more like those people who stand behind the news reporter and wave at the camera just so that they can tell people "Dekha mujhe TV pe?" However, ever since Sudhakar quit, Fredricks gained prominence. Seems like he's gearing up for one of those lame ass comedy shows Aaj tak shows re runs of.

Dr. Salunkhe: CID saw a lot of forensic experts come and go but nobody could match up to the genius of Dr. Salunkhe. He says "Boss lashe bhi bolti hain", and he proves it. He merely glances at the dead body and is able to tell whether the body has been decomposing for 2 weeks or 3 weeks, whether the killer was a male or a female and what kind of poison has been used to murder the victim. He has a state of the art laboratory with beakers and test tubes brimming with soda and food colouring. He also has the latest technology to his disposal, softwares which might look as screen savers initially but are able to make such accurate sketches of the suspects that not a mole is out of place. He recently got a hair transplant. You should check out his before and after pictures.

Asha: The only woman officer whose name I remember. She used to be on the CID team when it premiered in '98. She quit the show and now has assumed the identity of a TV vamp with garish make-up and oversized bindis wrecking havoc in the protagonist's life. Wonder if CID is after her in their next case.

Now you can't help but admit that even though it may defy logic CID is an epic show- the Rajnikant of Indian Television!





Friday, February 25, 2011

The Railway Budget



Since, i have a lot of free time nowadays, my life's been reduced to the life of the proverbial couch potato. And these days I'm informed of everything that's there to see on television, I mean everything that comes under the Tata Sky package that has been very kindly subscribed to by my parents. Not that I didn't watch television earlier. I was always addicted to it but the affair seems to have grown off late.

So I watch everything from Zor ka Jhatka to Wipeout Australia, from Masterchef India to Masterchef US, India's Minute to Win it to Minute to Win it, Koffee with Karan to Koffee with Anu. You get the trend.

Today, i happened to stumble upon Channel 101, ie., DD National. And behold the sight of Mamta didi in her yellow shawl speaking Bengali with such elan that it almost sounds like Hindi and is actually comprehendable. I have to say that this is by far THE most entertaining reality TV show that I have ever seen. Agreed, Laloo was entertaining in his own inimitable style but Didi is no less. She sure is stealing his thunder and how!

So it's straight out of a reality show but mind you better than Bigg Boss or anything else you've seen so far and I bet this is one original Indian show format that will be copied by those American studios who blame us so ruthlessly for blatant copies of their formats. This is our answer.

All you need is a bunch of unruly senior folks who've been elected by the people , for the people and of the people of the country through a system called voting(that's how the initial revenue will come in). The varied their ethnicity, the better it is for the show. Because when one person says "Aap mujhe bolne kyu nahi deta hai"in a Bengali accent, the other person shouts "Jo bole so nihaal sat sri akaal."

And the way they shout and scream at each other will seriously put those baldies from Roadies and Dolly Bindra among others out of business.

Mamta Banerjee is like the class prefect who thinks they have all the authority but the truth is that nobody listens to them. So just like the class prefect who sulks and goes running to the teacher to complain about the errant students, she too requests Madam Speaker to ask the MPs to stop shouting in order for her to be able to talk. Now our Honourable Speaker is like the soft spoken teacher who everyone else takes for granted. So nobody listens to her.
Mamta Banerjee now sits down, stands up and sits down again. Tells the other to stop talking and listen to her but the situation is now out of hand with people threatening to stage walkouts because of the patronage she's given to her home state has not been taken too kindly just like being a class prefect's best friend is the best and the worst thing that could happen to you. You get all the favours while the other kids keep complaining until the class prefect, in order to safeguard his reputation gives away candies to the other kids as well. So now the other MPs are happy as well, their constituencies have received their privileges as well. Seems like lessons in politics do begin at school.
And all this while, Laloo ji is quietly sitting in one corner smirking away to glory because he knows that he is the veteran of politainment.

Now that's what I call paisa vasool entertainment.The great Indian tamasha or dance of democracy whatever you'd like to call it. Too bad, it comes just once a year!



Sunday, January 16, 2011

Zodiac the 13th


Ophiuchus ( Pronouced as OFF-ee-YOO-kuss) is the newest addition to the Zodiac. It's the thirteenth symbol of the zodiac which has wreaked havoc. No seriously, I nearly had a nervous breakdown because I faced this major identity crisis. I went to sleep as an Aquarian but I woke up the next day to realise that I've turned into a Capricornian. This meant that I was no longer friendly and humanitarian , honest and loyal ,original and inventive or independent and intellectual but had turned into a ram who's pessimistic, fatalistic miserly and grudging. I believe I'm not the only one with several people harbouring grudges about the sudden loss of zodiac identity.

Here's also why I feel that a new zodiac sign is a bad idea after all:-
  • Because the astrology based shows with spirit infested babas with black tikkas and raging hormones will get more air time on India TV, News 24 and the likes.
  • Because the cheap imitation versions of Telebrands will start selling the Shree yantra with added benefits that will include a free guide on how to be a true Ophiuchusian.
  • Because Ashutosh Gowariker will make now make a sequel to What's your Rashee and it will be four hours of unbearable torture.
  • Because Bejaan Daruwala will get a new book deal and come up with two books on zodiac based predictions in the same year.
  • Because no raddi wala will agree to take your second hand copy of Linda Goodman's Sun Signs.
  • Because all the mugs engraved with zodiac sign that you'd received as birthday gifts over the years will now be of no significance now.
  • Because you will no longer be able to use the phrase " I'm a true blue {insert Zodiac sign}-ian" now. (atleast for a while) as ice breakers.
  • Because you will no longer be compatible with the people you supposedly used to be unless their signs have changed too and become compatible with people you hate. So, you might end up having arguments with your best friend and become best friends with your nemesis.
  • Because you Ophiuchusians will not be able to find keychains or badges that you can pin on your bags at Crossword.
  • Because Eyjafjallajökull will still be the toughest word in terms of pronounciation.


Here's the new Zodiac Chart:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

Pisces: March 11- April 18

Aries: April 18- May 13

Taurus: May 13- June 21

Gemini: June 21- July 20

Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan 20


What's your NEW Rashee?!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

On Facebook


Disclaimer: I would like to state this at the outset, that this post is not intended to mock anyone. Please do not take offence if some of this is true for you because some of this is true for me as well.
You may now read on. :)

I was researching on the Food Security Bill when I overheard my cook saying that she has a Facebook account. The Rangarajan Committee report had to be side-lined for a brief moment because I couldn't resist logging in and stalking her profile. But I didn't know her surname. I didn't want to ask.

Now, how this brief moment turned into half an hour I still haven't been able to figure out.And Facebook continues to remain open in one of the tabs whenever I happen to log in and for whatever reason.

So why after all are we obsessed with this blue and white and black page. [Trivia: Mark Zuckerberg is colour blind. Hence the colours] and what actually started this affair. Is it because we'd had our share of Fraaaandship requests on Orkut and moved over from Testimonials to Pokes and wanted an option that helps you connect with people you recognise by face or name or because it was a cool thing because you could write on people's walls without being chided? Whatever may be the reason it's turned into a virtual clone for most of us.And inspite of being aware of our "addiction" we do little about it.

Here are a few trends I've observed on Facebook which I personally find somewhat irksome.
  • I moved on to Facebook from Orkut to stay away from creeps who send 'fraandship' requests. I must admit though, this option did offer some respite for some time, eventually the "Will you make fraandship" with me posts because "I'm a kewl n R0Ckkkk!|\|g Guy" did pour in to haunt me. The so called privacy settings didn't help either till much later.
  • That Facebook is constantly "reinventing" itself. Just when you start getting used to a new avatar another one comes up and it's much worse than the former one. It's like Apple gadgets, you're hooked on to them even though you know that there aren't very many useful changes.
  • That a lot of people do not understand what they are writing. We live times wherein Urban Dictionary has perv definitions for almost every single word. But why must people try to shorten simple four letter words such as "come" and write "I am cuming in an hour." Please refer to the Urban Dictionary incase you find nothing wrong with this sentence. Also, LOLsss is not a word. LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud in common parlance. You cannot possibly Laugh Out Loudssssss unless you're Mallika Sherawat from Hisssss.
  • That our vocabulary seemingly comprises of mainly two words namely "Wassup" and "Nothing much"
  • That my homepage is flooded with people joining hundreds of groups and liking thousands of pages.
  • That I get Farmville, Fishville, Cityville requests everytime I log in.
  • That people I barely know refer to me as "Dear", "Sweetie" and "Babe".
  • That I get tagged in pictures that say "Merry Christmas " and "Happy Diwali" alongwith several other people who I don't know and get annoying notifications.
  • That people feel the need to update every second of their lives and those indirect hints in the form of songs by Taylor Swift et al.
  • That people who never speak with you face-to-face pretend to be best friends on Facebook chat.
  • That Facebook's friend suggestions include the weirdest of people.They may include your former employer as well.
  • That a lot of people enjoy sharing their wisdom and relationship advice and other forms of "gyaan" via status messages.
  • That some of us believe in posting each and every Youtube link we come across
  • That some of us stick to monikers and middle names such as "Stinson" or "Cullen" and the likes.
What are your pet peeves?




Friday, December 31, 2010

Bollywood song dedication to the happenings of 2010

So 2010 has been quite an eventful year. Both in terms of socio-economic-political development and Bollywood chartbusters. We've been grooving to songs about Zandu Balms, a certain Sheila's jawani and Dant Manjans et al. And you thought the Jungle book theme song was "hawwji" worthy. Think again.

Here goes the list of what I thought about the happenings that made an impact in 2010- Bollywood song dedication style!

1. Governments of the world to Wikileaks: Munni Badnaam hui Darling tere liye. (Dabangg) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpnohT_a-2I>

2. A. Raja : Zor ka jhatka...zoron se laga (Action Replayy) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0EReETeKyc>

3. Suresh Kalmadi: Aapka kya hoga (Housefull) < http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlVm0lLReSs >

4. An appeal to Dolly Bindra: Volume kam kar (Housefull) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq8F0gSLfRU>

5. The Kingfisher calendar girls to Vijay Mallya : Sheila Ki Jawani (Tees Maar Khan) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcKtDXUb6Cg >

6. Vir Sanghvi and Barkha Dutt with reference to the Radia Tapes: Gal Mitthi Mitthi bol (Aisha) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2-lmHLtL3k >

7. Malaria and Dengue mosquitoes to the junta: Pee Loon (Once upon a time in Mumbai)
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olOK2OYI7Fo>

8. The various "godmen" caught in sex scams: Dil toh baccha hai ji (Ishqiya)
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jp4wpMtAUE >

9. The Congress, NCP, Trinamool Congress, DMK: Adhoore ( Break ke Baad)
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENT1yKk_cok >

10. Indians to Sachin Tendulkar : Sajda (My Name is Khan)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Why Entrance Exams suck?


I've given a few entrance exams over the past few days owing to the fear psychosis stemming from a flurry of media reports about my college which prompted me to take some action even though it may involve changing courses, academically. Thus, the ordeal began. It was almost as if I was living in life in the bygone era of 2007-2008 yet again. Yes, almost because not only academia wise, the turn of events in the world were also more or less the same like unrest over fuel and food crisis and the Congress government still being in power. It's almost like being frozen in time.

Bah, so coming back I've realised that Entrance Exams are almost equivalent to the worst sort of trauma you can inflict on a person and get away with it. Here's why-

  • Because we don't have a centralised system of examinations every University will hold a separate entrance exam and charge you a different amount as you proceed to fill up your form. This may range anywhere between a grand and two. So after about ten random forms you've filled up, you wonder whether getting those two dress at Mango would've been a better way of blowing all that money up. I have a strong feeling that these institutes actually survive on the provisional admission fee that scores of aspirants across this overpopulated country pay.
  • Because inspite of knowing that there are actually only about a 100 seats in the "premier" institution (the rest of course belong to the reserved class), millions of people will vie to be one of those tagged people. It's almost like a Playwin lottery. You get there, you've hit the jackpot.
  • Because these institutes will make sure that your centre is in the most inconvenient place of all. They're sadists because they know that it don't matter whether hell or high waters, you will reach your centre, in all probability a dilapidated school building in the middle of nowhere at sharp 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning. So much for a shot at the Amazing Race, huh.
  • Now once you've manoeuvered your way through the narrow bylanes in places you never knew existed asking the irritable locals for directions and a dozen "thank you's", you reach your centre which has swarms of people and there's this always one corner which seems like a very magnified version of a thousand ants attracted to a lump of sugar. No it's no Bollywood movie shoot. It's that good old blackboard which finally gets it's moment of glory and attention that it has longed for. That's where they scribble where you're supposed to sit for the exam.
  • By the sides of the already stampede prone lane, you see parents and cars and relatives with bags, books and 20 year olds in tow. These 20-25 year olds are their "aankhon ke taare" fed on curd and jaggery when they're about to set foot onto the battleground. It's almost like a bidaai ceremony with anxious parents waiting to send their 'kids' off inside the exam hall. And they will never hear from them again atleast for the next two hours because all communication devices are prohibited and the candidature is likely to be cancelled if a candidate is found using one.
  • Then as you proceed climbing the never ending flight of stairs you come across those nerds in the hallway whose sole purpose is to scare the daylights out of you and make your heart pound faster than it would have had you seen Patrick Dempsey. It's actually a war strategy when they ask you "arrey yaar yeh kiya?" and when you reply in the negative, pat comes the rebuke "pagal hai kya, yeh toh sabse important hai. Past 10 years paper mein har saal poocha hai". All you then say is "Oh Shit." Then after successfully pinning down this victim they scour and proceed to find another prey with a book in hand and a smile on the face. A lethal assassin.
  • By now, you're already feeling low and you realise your worst nightmare has come true when you enter the designated classroom. For a moment you wonder whether that water you gulped down nervously from the bottle was in fact a growth potion or whether you've been shipwrecked onto the island of Lilliput because the benches are so small that your arse won't fit. And the space between two columns of tables is so little that it would induce further anorexia in a size zero woman.
  • Then there's this morose looking inviligator who is pissed because the only Sunday he gets has been taken away from him. He has the bundle of question papers in his hand. The booklets are sealed not to be opened unless asked. The formulae, the rules everything is whirling up a big tornado in your head leaving everything muddled up by the time the paper is handed out to you.
  • Then the test booklet is handed out to you and you begin marking answers on the OMR sheet with the paranoia of shading the wrong circle always affecting your brain. Then when the two hours pass by magically and you realise you've survived the battle, you notice that the person sitting ahead you has shaded more circles than you. Your heart skips a beat. There's a 50-50 chance between getting a +4 and -1. You decide to colour a few circles randomly. The inviligator then snatches the paper away from you.
  • You dread to switch on your phone back because once you do there will be incessant calls and messages asking "How'd it go." And you don't know what to say because let's accept it there's a fine line between humility and stupidity and you don't know what perception your reply will create for you in the mind of the caller/texter.
  • Then begins the wait for the results. This day's bad and the days preceding the dreaded date are worse because the course of your corporate life depends on those shaded circles. You wait nervously. Then when the actual day of the moment of truth arrives and you've forgotten all about the results, you get a message "The results are out". Your heart skips another beat.
Don't blame heart problems in Indian youth on junk food and bad lifestyle. Blame in on these entrance exams. Really.
Also, it's funny how two hours can decide the course of life of a person. Shahrukh's "sattar minute" from Chak De India anyone?