On Facebook

Disclaimer: I would like to state this at the outset, that this post is not intended to mock anyone. Please do not take offence if some of this is true for you because some of this is true for me as well.

You may now read on. :)

I was researching on the Food Security Bill when I overheard my cook saying that she has a Facebook account. The Rangarajan Committee report had to be side-lined for a brief moment because I couldn't resist logging in and stalking her profile. But I didn't know her surname. I didn't want to ask.

Now, how this brief moment turned into half an hour I still haven't been able to figure out.And Facebook continues to remain open in one of the tabs whenever I happen to log in and for whatever reason.

So why after all are we obsessed with this blue and white and black page. [Trivia: Mark Zuckerberg is colour blind. Hence the colours] and what actually started this affair. Is it because we'd had our share of Fraaaandship requests on Orkut and moved over from Testimonials to Pokes and wanted an option that helps you connect with people you recognise by face or name or because it was a cool thing because you could write on people's walls without being chided? Whatever may be the reason it's turned into a virtual clone for most of us.And inspite of being aware of our "addiction" we do little about it.

Here are a few trends I've observed on Facebook which I personally find somewhat irksome.

• I moved on to Facebook from Orkut to stay away from creeps who send 'fraandship' requests. I must admit though, this option did offer some respite for some time, eventually the "Will you make fraandship" with me posts because "I'm a kewl n R0Ckkkk!|\|g Guy" did pour in to haunt me. The so called privacy settings didn't help either till much later.

• That Facebook is constantly "reinventing" itself. Just when you start getting used to a new avatar another one comes up and it's much worse than the former one. It's like Apple gadgets, you're hooked on to them even though you know that there aren't very many useful changes.

• That a lot of people do not understand what they are writing. We live times wherein Urban Dictionary has perv definitions for almost every single word. But why must people try to shorten simple four letter words such as "come" and write "I am cuming in an hour." Please refer to the Urban Dictionary incase you find nothing wrong with this sentence. Also, LOLsss is not a word. LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud in common parlance. You cannot possibly Laugh Out Loudssssss unless you're Mallika Sherawat from Hisssss.

• That our vocabulary seemingly comprises of mainly two words namely "Wassup" and "Nothing much"

• That my homepage is flooded with people joining hundreds of groups and liking thousands of pages.

• That I get Farmville, Fishville, Cityville requests everytime I log in.

• That people I barely know refer to me as "Dear", "Sweetie" and "Babe".
  

• That I get tagged in pictures that say "Merry Christmas " and "Happy Diwali" alongwith several other people who I don't know and get annoying notifications.

• That people feel the need to update every second of their lives and those indirect hints in the form of songs by Taylor Swift et al.

• That people who never speak with you face-to-face pretend to be best friends on Facebook chat.

• That Facebook's friend suggestions include the weirdest of people.They may include your former employer as well.

• That a lot of people enjoy sharing their wisdom and relationship advice and other forms of "gyaan" via status messages.

• That some of us believe in posting each and every Youtube link we come across

• That some of us stick to monikers and middle names such as "Stinson" or "Cullen" and the likes.

What are your pet peeves?

Nationally yours

Change is inevitable.

Without much further ado, here are a few things that should change about India keeping in mind our sensibilities.

• National sport: Spitting-->Move over hockey. The new sport that's taken the nation by a storm is spitting.It's not just paan mind you, spitting saliva, spitting wrappers just about anything and everything. The golden rule being what is in must come out. Spit when you're bored, spit when you're not. All the road is a spitoon and all men (and women) are mere spits-men.(Mr. Shakespeare, please don't turn in your grave at this humble attempt of mine in trying to imitate your inimitable style). And remember to add sound effects when you spit, "Aaaaak-thoo" is the most common example. And a country that's obsessed with freebies, the bonus deal that it gets with this is free Tuberculosis and redder roads. Amazing right?!

• National animal: Mosquitoes/ Houseflies-->Why have an animal of which only 1411 specimens are left, as your national animal and then go through all the humiliation of not being able to safeguard your national animal. Try conferring the coveted status to Mosquitoes or Houseflies. They're in abundance. You'll never have to face a crisis of fussing over how to save your national animal. And "Makkhi the club" sounds better than "Stripey the club" naa? And your new tagline could be 'Save the Makkhis-only 1411 billion left!'

• National bird: Crows--> They're everywhere. I had to wait till I was 7 years old to see a peacock. But I'm sure I had seen a crow in the first week of my birth. And they work brilliantly as morning alarms, help is boosting the detergent sales (Read: bird shit) and making Ram Gopal Varma's movies seem slightly eerie. Way to go Crow! (Did that just rhyme?)

• National language: Facebook/Orkut/Chat lingo--> Now with states having issues over the use of Hindi because it is way too "North-Indian" a language and with English being the language of the Queen and a mark of British superiority over us, the question arises as to what the national language should be. The answer is simple. "Dudes/Dudettes Y dun ya try da chat lingo. 'Tis Kewl nd u'll be kewler if u use it." And everybody all over the country knows it and none of our politicians will have a problem with it!

• National anthem: Dhan te nan--> I've seen the lines of distress on people's faces when they're supposed to stand for the national anthem before the start of a movie. And before you hear the last 'Jaya He' people are already plonked back onto their seats. However, the Kaminey song can sure make them stand in respect (and sway a little too).

• National flower: Cauliflower--> Why should lotus get the coveted status of being the national flower? Just because it's pretty, eh? Nobody, ever thought of the humble 'gobhi ka phool'. What would our Mother's ever do without it's versatile existence? I hear a kitchen crisis! Love it or loathe it, you're sure to have had it! :|

• National song: Beedi jalaiyle--> A lot of people aren't even aware that Vande Mataram is our National song and the Sanskrit lyrics are way too complicated for most. So how does the prospect of Beedi Jalaiyle sound? Very hum-able song, nothing complicated about the lyrics, connects with the classes and masses alike AND everybody knows it already!

Disclaimer: For those who are a little slow, this post is intended to be sarcastic.