A few Reminiscences

I've changed 6 schools in my lifetime as a school girl. The major transitions were brought about when I moved from Lucknow to Mumbai (wherein I changed 3 schools). I was never a very loud person though I was pretty much vocal about things I felt strongly about but it would take a great deal of effort to ruffle me up but in case you could that would probably be the end of you and I would hate you for the rest of my life and beyond. But when it came to things I was excited about, I would literally shout out from the rooftops so that the whole neighbourhood would know.

Then I was enrolled in a Convent school for the 8th, 9th and 10th standard. It was an academic institution but turns out that it was a secret finishing school too. So eventually we were taught to be more "ladylike" in our manners and behaviour. Be unruffled at all times, sit in a particular way, talk in a particular way, walk in a particular way and so on. Young ladies are expected to be mild in their manners and speak politely and softly.

So when I moved to a somewhat boisterous institution for my +2 I was initially taken aback by the kind of crowd. Needless to say I was on a different tangent altogether. There were times I wanted to run away from school. Little did I know that I would find my best friends for life here and would want time to freeze 2 years later.

The awesomeness of school life is that you are friends with people for who they are and not what they have and that is something you realise only when you enter college. I wouldnt mind trading the excess freedom I have now to go back to school.

Also, never in my life did I ever think I would miss my days of being a school girl. I do!

News 24x7

Don’t you miss the days of the good ol’ Doordarshan when there was something for each member of the family? The days when the Idiot Box wasn’t so idiotic after all because it treated information and entertainment as two separate entities?

With the advent of the new decade and the word ‘Infotainment’ being added to our vocabulary list. It is a mighty dangerous word if I may say so and it has hit the news channels hard! There seems to be skewed ratio in terms of the information and entertainment we get out of the 24X7 news on our television sets with the latter taking predominance. So we have the breaking news ticker beaming about how a famous celebrity couple broke up or why the elephant crossed the railway tracks in Honululu. And our daily soaps are not limited to the entertainment channels that broadcast them, the sob story of a family with a million relatives moves on to the primetime news as well. In the race for TRPs they’d rather show the misfortune of a fictitious family than focus on the plight of the people.

In the race to catch a billion eyeballs the news channels will now sensationalise the most trivial of issues and with sting operations in order everything just seems to be haphazard and well out of order. They feature everything right from warning you about your seemingly innocent neighbour who might turn out to be your murderer to a panel of socialites who discuss poverty alleviation in the country to spreading panic on finding an unclaimed bag in a public place.

In times when there is much happening around us we do need to stay updated. News 24X7 sure provided you the convenience of time but where is the real deal?

Suckers!

I have always had a special disliking for Class Insecta and Class Reptilia. I haven't been really able to choose though which out of the two I hate more. On one hand it is the creepy crawlies and on the other hand there are slithery slimy creatures.

However, class insecta attracts special hatred because of the tiny little creatures that wreak havoc in my life. I feel class Insecta was created by Nature to see to it that class Mammalia doesn't get all the peace of mind it deserves. So while the poor cows caked in their own shit( well that's how I've seen them) struggle to keep flies away by whipping their tail in every possible direction, the poor stray dog has to roll on his back to soothe his tick and mite itch (thank god for the rough roads of the country) and though you may tend to refer to Homosapiens as the smartest of the lot they aren't smart enough to escape the blood suckers of Insecta. Inspite of killing gazillions their population never seems to turn extinct.

And they attack you from all quarters just the way they show it in the Mortien and Good Knight ads except for the fact that the machine seems to work only on animated mosquitoes and not the real ones. Probably they should write 'Machharon ka khatma' *conditions apply.

Mosquitoes are probably the only creatures which will neither let you sleep nor stay awake.

As for me its ab tak chhapan..the count is on!

Etched in time.

India is the land of kings and emperors. The erstwhile kings stayed in lavish palaces, ate lavish food (which eventually led to lavish waist sizes too) and splurged lavishly on the countless Begums they had. Almost every ruler in India built a palace for their beloved queens. Those who were a little lethargic built memorials. But all of them did erect a structure for their Queens to show off to the world how much they loved their Mrs. The love that would transcend down generations of kings and common people alike. The tablet outside these monuments of love would read "Built in the loving memory of her royal highness queen noor something something(followed by a billion adjectives) XYZ by (billion+1 adjectives) King ABC.

Welcome to the 21st century. Zamindari ends. Recession strikes. Forget lavish food. Even a trip to McDonald's drains your wallet. Ghar toh sach mein sapna hai. And once you do acquire a house, would you name it after your mother or your Mrs. or the family surname?

But being an Indian proves to be a boon-atleast when it comes to expressing love. The preamble starts with India is my country. So, technically I own everything that comes within the geographical and political limits of India. Next, since we form a part of the public so we can do whatever we want with the public property.

So all the modern day Romeo-Juliets and Laila-Majnoos think that since these Badshahs are archiac now they wouldn't mind sharing a little space on the tablet placed outside the memorial. So now Mr and Mrs. Emperor have to jostle for space with the creative 'Deepak loves Sweety' etched on the tablet next to their name. So now whoever comes and sees the monument would know that Deepak loves Sweety more compared to how much Shah Jahan loved Mumtaz. After all he made a heart with an arrow piercing right through the centre of it. And the pains it took him to etch a giggly, Mewad ice cream addict Sweety's name on the stone with a stone. It would last forever. And why would Shah Jahan mind, all Indians are brothers and sisters anyway....

And it doesn't stop there. Even the Carter Road promenade, the heritage sites, school desks(first crush you see), local trains, elevator doors are not spared. People etch them behind the doors of public toilets too. But since Sweety would never enter the gents toilet how would she witness Deepak proclaiming his love for her? Similarly Deepak would never enter the ladies compartment of a Local train to see Sweety's love for him.

But atleast etching them on monuments would leave a permanent impression unlike the ones on the beaches which get washed away...

Issues that 'weigh'

So my nine year old cousin beams on the phone "Didi, I am size zero"

Me: Whoa...What?!

She: I lost inches without going on a diet

Me: Didn't you disappear already?

She:No...You must come to Delhi and join my basketball classes too

Me(Seething with jealousy):So you wna be the next Kareena Kapoor, eh?

She: Nah...Kareena Kapoor aint size zero anymore

Me:And you are what size minus 2?

She: Sister, try being size zero...that way you can too be Kareena Kapoor

Me:No I dun wna be in Kurbaan

Me: I lost 2 kgs..So tell me I've thinned down even if you think I haven't

AM:Yeah really?..OK I will

Me:But what about our target?

AM: Yea everyone around us seems to have thinned down. Only the two of us have been left out.

Me: Yea..even SI and AS lost so much weight

AM:I'm gna hit the gym from tomorrow

Me:Alright...I'm gna go on a diet and go up and down the stairs

Next day...

Me:AM come fast...The unthinkable happened

AM:No,no i'm gna walk and come..I wna lose weight..

Me:No no..come fast...SS is saying she broke up!

AM:OK!

(In the meanwhile SS and KS get back together)

Me: Uhmm..They're back together

AM(typing to SS on facebook):Bitch...(and SS goes offline)

Me:So we're gna have Frooti instead of Coke and popcorn instead of chips OK?

AM: Yea and henceforth we're gna have fruit

Then we decide to meet SI

AM to SI: OMG!..You've lost so much weight

SI(with pride):Yay!..11kgs!

Me(thinking):Whoa!..why?..mera number kab aayega?

SI:Yeah a year in hostel made me lose 11kgs..Guess what I have another year to go?

Me(wondering):When will I go to a hostel?

So then we decided to walk about 4 kms to McDonalds...

AM and me: We'll have a small coke each and share the fries

So then after a zillion pictures we decide to head back home...

Mom:Your Bournvita has been in the refrigerator since morning..Have it NOW!

Me: But Mom I'm not hungry

Mom gives me that look of hers

Me:Ok Mom

Mom(in a span of an hour):Dinner is ready

Me:I'm not hungry

Mom:Then you should've told me..I would have not got the chapatis made.Now you must eat dinner!

Me(to myself):Gayi meri dieting bhaad mein...

Dear Diary,

Stupid 10th std boards..

They make you hog and hog some more...

And before you realise,

Your waist size is 34 (ok that's an exaggeration...just cz more rhymes with 34 :|)

Then came typhoid, a deadly disease it seemed to others

But typhoid and weight were like warring brothers...

But then came the pizza,the pasta and the chocolate cake

Oh metabolism will you ever improve for heaven's sake?!

I am wondering whether a trek to the Himalayas would be beneficial?...

Yours truly.

Shaadi and blues..

As mentioned earlier, I stay in a city where there are diverse cultures. Naturally, their customs and traditions vary too and what varies the most is their time of getting married. While in some communities marriages take place early in the morning, there are some others where marriages take place in the thick of the night. Naturally, in both cases people are hardly awake.

Welcome to India. The land of big,fat and NOISY weddings.

It is an interesting contrast as to how the perspective of people regarding wedding varies when they are and not a part of the wedding. The very same people who express dissent and claim that elaborate weddings lead to noise pollution are happy being a part of and adding to the noise pollution when its a relative, friend or a friend's friend getting married. This means free and unlimited food,booze, the juiciest gossip and even eye candy.

So while on one hand the groom is hoisted atop a garish looking horse (poor horse would be thinking its his day to get a bride but all he gets is a few morsels of horse feed) on the other hand there's the beautician trying to empty every bottle of concealer and every other article of make up she can find on the bride. And then comes the turn of the elders in the family who load her with infinite pieces of jewellery. I am pretty sure that by the end of this 'loading' ritual the bride is sure to weigh atleast 20 kilos more than her actual weight and I think that's a fair estimation.

And while the groom is on his way to meet his Mrs. he is accompanied by the star performers-The Brass Band wallahs. They are the walking talking carousels who haven't changed the songs they play over a hundred thousand years. Sample this:

I have come to a conclusion that the 'Nagin' tune is their all time favourite tune. Though I haven't been able to figure out why. But it sure brings out the hidden serpentine tendencies in the baraatis. You can see them sway in a snake like fashion in the middle of the road. The last I heard, the honourable snake god had sent a special team of detectives to find out whether the 'ichhadhari nags' that escaped from the snake kingdom had actually turned into these humans. :|

Next we come to 'yeh desh hai veer jawanon ka albelo ka mastanon ka'. One would expect this song to be played on days like the Independence day and the republic day but its most often heard on occassions of shaadi. All baraats are incomplete without this song. It is the song of great significance since it is this song which loosens the pockets of elders and adds weight to the pockets of the 'jawans'. This is the nazar-utarne wala song as I like to look at it.

This is generally followed by some latest Bollywood numbers which gives ample opportunities for the men to show off the pelvic thrusts and the women to sway like the hottest item girls and believe they are the next screen scorchers.

And as the baraat nears the venue, the 'Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai' song emanates out of the hoarse brass bands. The song concludes with 'aisa lagta hai jaise sansaar ki shaadi hai'. Arre bhaisahab, sansaar ko bhi aisa hi lagta hai. That's because they too don't get to sleep.

But in some ways they are better off than the poor couple who is about to get wed. Atleast they are not the ones who have to pose with random strangers, touch the feet of random strangers and become endorsers of Moov and the likes or see random strangers eating away to glory and commenting as to how wonderful the spread is.

However coming back to the start I'd rather have a Himesh song play on the radio than hear the nagin tune for the zillionth time in my life.

As for me I'll probably have the brass band belting out Bryan Adams'....

In the memory of cartoon network

When I was a little girl there were constant wars over who would control the television set. Our house was divided into three fronts with my grandpa and dad rooting for the news/sports channel, my grandmother and mom wanted the cookery show or some random serial. I was the lone soldier of the third front but I had weapons which were lethal. If constant pleadings or a puppy face didnt work, a teardop was enough to do the trick(Ha!). So the warrior had control over a channel nobody else in the house wanted to watch- Cartoon Network.

I think we got cable television only when i turned about five or six. Before that it used to be Ramayana, Mahabharata and Krishna and other random mythological shows on Doordarshan and infotainment shows like Surabhi (I may have sent a dozen postcards for their contest questions in that era when SMSes were unheard of) and I would sulk every week as to how they would never pick my postcard in the winning entry which would win a train ride to some hill station in North India. 6 p.m every evening was reserved for Disney Hour. You dare change the channel when Disney Hour was on!

I guess we got a colour television and cable network only in 1996 or 97. It was like seeing a brand new world.It had something for everyone. It had a news show called "Aaj tak" which ended with the presenter saying "yeh thi khabrein aaj tak, intezar kariye kal tak". (Who would have imagined that it would later morph into a 24 hour nonsensical news channel). And it had Khana Khazana for the ladies which always had a catchline that said "Namak swadanusar". And then there was Close up Antakshari in which the only constant feature was Anu kapoor.

However, what caught my fancy was a channel that showed cartoons all day! I felt William Hanna and Joseph Barbera were godsent people. Cartoon Network had the most amazing cartoons anyone could have ever asked for. While on one hand there were the Flintstones (Fred Flinstone) and their modern stone age family on the other hand it was the Jetsons and their family of the future. Captain planet was is and will always remain my favourite character. There was a time I pretended being a planeteer and wore 5 rings symbolising the same.Yogi bear,Swat Kats,The Addams Family, Josie and the Pussycats and the adventures of Penelope Pitstop or the geek boy Dexter were essential for my happy existence. I totally adored Powerpuff girls(still do) and Scooby's all star laff a lympics and I wish they showed 'em still. But with the initial cartoon network there was one major disappointment. At night all the cartoons would get warped in a dynamite sorta thing and then some lame english movie channel called TNT would come on air. That would also serve as my deadline for my bedtime ( 9 p.m sheesh!)

I do not recall when but it was probably somewhere close to the late nineties that Cartoon Network became a 24 hr channel. And with that came new cartoons like Johnny Quest and Pokemon and I am Weasel and The Roadrunner show. All of which formed my favourites. As much as I liked them, I hated Johnny Bravo and Courage the Cowardly Dog.

I always thought things get better with age. Somehow I don't feel the same for my once upon a time beloved channel anymore. With the checkerboard style of cartoon network giving way to a more 'sleek' looking CN I feel the quality of cartoons deteriorated to a great extent. The awesomest cartoons got replaced by lame ones like Chhota Bheem and Gali gali sim sim and Chowder among others.

I WANT THE OLD CARTOON NETWORK BACK!!